being just as grand as
During all the heat and humidity
we must bear.
A Parrot And A
A young man received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it
always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness
will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you
probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is
when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who
is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who
wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because
they demonstrate how many people a company
can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel
younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a
10. No one has more driving ambition than
the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones
just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting
a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
Like this: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game' when
their team is winning..
14. I've reached the age where the happy
hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that
not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, there
will be thousands of old ladies running
around with tattoos? (And rap music
will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness ---
but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching
in every joint, you are probably dead!
20. Always be yourself. Because the people
that matter, don't mind. And the one's
that mind, don't matter.
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~~~^j^~~~Thanks be to God!
Forgetter Be Forgotten?
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?'
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
CAN YOU RELATE???
I certainly can relate...I offer this in lieu of Bad Haiku Friday! It is much too funny to ignore. Please enjoy~~And Thank You to Margaret for sending it!
Thanks be to God!
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under [them]!
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
When Erma Bombeck graduated from high school in 1944, she was determined to go to college and become a successful writer. She enrolled at Ohio University, but her future as a writer seemed bleak. Articles for the college newspaper were rejected, and she struggled to pass freshman composition. Discouraged, she enrolled at the University of Dayton.
Brother Tom Price, faculty advisor for the university magazine, invited here to do some humor pieces. Erma gave it a try and one day Brother Tom turned to her and said three key words which changed her live: "You can write."
Upon her 1940 graduation. Erma got a job at the Dayton Journal-Herald where she launched the career that would make her famous. Her column, based on her experience as a wife and mother, eventually spread to 900 newspapers.
While at the University of Dayton, Erma converted to Catholicism.The Little White Book
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
This was sent to me my many friends. It is a little lighthearted humor about one of God's treasured gifts to us. Have a grand weekend with lots of smiles!
Angels Explained by Children
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold... Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. --Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. --Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. --Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. --Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows. --Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. --Daniel, 9
Love this one:
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. --Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. --Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.--Jared, 8
All! angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. --Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. --Katelynn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them
Thanks be to God!